A Throwback humor piece: Dear Frances the Amazon HR Person; Shameless Plugs for Drake, Jay-Z, Mac Demarco, Beyonce, and Justin Trudeau

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Dear Frances the Amazon HR Person, 

I'm almost a 85% certain that my next-door neighbor Marigold took my Amazon package by mistake, and kept it on purpose. Last week, I went online and bought blutooth speakers with some gift cards. I really need those speakers, otherwise I can't listen to Mac Demarco on my record player. Instead, I will then have to listen to music on laptop speakers. And I really don't want to do that because I left my laptop at Marigold's house. And I can't go back to Marigold's house, because I took her gift cards on purpose and bought some speakers by mistake. I was really trying to buy Mac Demarco tickets to impress Marigold, because she's a Canadian millennial, but I also needed a better sound system. 

Frances, Canada already has Justin Trudeau, while America still has Justin Bieber. I'm not suggesting a person exchange, but I will lean on it, if Marigold has my speakers package. Please don't sub in Drake for Trudeau, because I listen to Jay-Z's 4:44. I've switched from Verizon to Sprint and purchased Tidal, because Marigold wanted to find out if Jay-Z had apologized to Beyonce on any tracks. I don't want to write any spoil alerts, but if you email me I'll send you the link to the album. 

To answer your question, Frances, my speakers were not delivered to my doorstep. If you could ship my Amazon package again, I won't turn this Amazon complaint into an Amazon product review. I understand you offer a 30 day  return and a 2 year warranty on your speakers. If you can give me an 5 day extension on the 30 day return, I will try to recover my original Amazon package. I will check in on the warranty, if the speakers are damaged. 

Best wishes,