Journal Entry No. 1

Watch TV on the couch in the living room, until the nurse tells you in Vietnamese to stop hogging the remote. Dress in a button-up: pretend you’re 20’s something professional, instead of a 25-year-old going through a pseudo-quarter life crisis. Go out to the coffee shop on Main Street, sit by the window, scribble hearts on the margins of your notebook. Google: starving artist. Consider the picture for the starving artist: straight, white, male. Ask yourself: why are the envelopes in the mail box, are also always: straight white mail. Contemplate drinking wine during the day; red. Look for jobs on Indeed.com to pass the time. Ask for a job application from the barista with the puppy-dog eyes. When you finish the app, intentionally smudge your handwriting to prevent employers from seeing your professional references. Your last three jobs ended in you getting kicked out. No one inside gives the impression that they want to talk to you. Crack your knuckles. Crack your back. As you casually take a drag from your cigarette next to the “NO-SMOKING” sign, wonder if it life would be different if you were Korean; Japanese; Chinese. Puppy-dog eyed barista bangs on the storefront window, mouths: put the cig out dude. Follow the instruction and feel guilt momentarily. While you wait for the Wi-Fi homepage to load up, resist the urge to text her: how’s your day? Or: “are you seeing anyone?” Cold beads of water drip down the contour of your thumb; incidentally, nobody gives a shit about mundane detail like the one you just mentioned. Ask the blue-scarf wearing girl if you can keep an eye out on your computer. She asks: sure, how long will you be gone? Don’t tell her you’re going to the bathroom to throw up last night’s combination of supreme pizza and several shots of Johnny Walker. Tell her: I need to wash my face. She nods and noticeably grins, as though she’s caught you doing something incredibly embarrassing. Once in the bathroom, look into the mirror. Breathe: once, twice. Your hand starts shaking like saltshakers in a Ying-Yang Twin’s music video. Stand over the toilet. Close your eyes before you dip your finger into your mouth. Refrain from thinking about the monotony of life.  

Andrew TranComment